the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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