The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize