Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
