Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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