I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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