Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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