His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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