I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
