In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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