okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
