Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
