I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize