@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
