just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
