Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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