U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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