bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize