How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
