Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
