When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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