So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
