i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize