Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Randomize
