how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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