I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
