I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
