life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
