whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
