i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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