her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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