it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
