well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
