Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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