so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
