In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
