i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
