I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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