Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
