I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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