Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
