yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
