I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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