I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
