If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
