Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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