I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
