Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
