I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
