Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
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