I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I take back everything I said about communal showers
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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