If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
