I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
