I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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