i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I love you. Go after that dick
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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