guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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