Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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