Apparently you make a good broom.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
